Regret

Regret is a negative emotion that hinges on counterfactual thinking. Counterfactual thinking essentially means that we look back and concoct imaginary scenarios to convince ourselves things could be better. Our brains are really good at elaborating on or constructing these alternative worlds in which we would have done different things. And a lot of this really is based on our desires, our wants, or needs. It’s basically a reflection of us wanting to get somewhere.

Even though regrets are part of being alive, they can outlive their usefulness. Wanting to get somewhere can be a starting point for growth and change, but it can also keep us in a cycle of negativity and even despair.

If you’re struggling with how to let go of regret, use these tips that to create a little space between you and your regrets.

1. Learn from regret

   List the lessons you’ve learned, then read them when you need that reminder.

   Use any experience of regret to learn from their behavior.

2. Use regret for goal setting

   Regret is an instrumental part of goal setting because it’s a moment to think about how you can avoid a similar outcome in the future. So, if you’re drowning in what you could’ve done or should’ve said, consider listing what you’ve learned and how you’ve changed instead. Or, if all you can see is how life stinks right now as a result of your mishap, you can use the present moment to find the lesson. Instead of thinking, Ugh, everything would be different right now, ask yourself what the disappointment, anger, or regret you’re feeling right now is teaching you. You can’t change the past, but your feelings might have solid advice on what you can do differently in the future.

3. Try to forgive yourself.

   Regrets are an indication that you have personal standards for how you live your life, but part of being a human being involves occasionally falling short of those expectations. When this happens, you probably have to do the work of forgiving yourself.

   There’s no magic solution to make you immediately okay with whatever you regret, but by processing and forgiving yourself for any perceived slights, you can begin to let go.

4. Make amends if you need to.

   Much like forgiving yourself might bring a little bit of peace, sometimes your regrets involve other people. When possible, it’s appropriate to apologize and make amends. If, for instance, you regret not visiting your family when you had the chance, you can call them up, apologize for being MIA, and make a commitment to see them when it’s safe.

   Other times, however, it might not be appropriate or even possible to reach out. Regrets might make us think it’s reasonable to contact our ex from middle school to apologize. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, but check in with yourself first. “It might not be appropriate to contact the person 30 years later. If you suspect that someone will genuinely benefit from your delayed apology, it might be appropriate to reach out. If you’re the only one who will walk away feeling better, it might be best to process this independently.

5. Write down your regrets (then fact-check them).

   It might seem counterintuitive, but if you find yourself thinking about your regrets it can help to write about them. Writing about your negative thoughts gives you a chance to fact-check them. Would your life truly be better if you’d gone to a different college? Would everything be different if you’d made your flight last year? Writing it all down allows you to bring some skepticism and context to your personal story.

   Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you write down your college regrets, fact-check them, and decide that your life could be totally different. Well, specificity is on your side. If you feel like you would’ve been more confident, you can work on building that now. Or, if you think a better education would’ve set you up for a different professional experience, maybe it’s time to explore a few ways you can take courses in the future. Whether you come to realize that your regret is unfounded or not, it’s important to remember that you are way more complex than one regret. “It’s not your entire life.