Dealing with insults

Reckless hyperbole is not good. Don’t do it yourself and don’t tolerate when others do it.

Classic insults

Arrogant, Self-centered, Vain

That is a gross generalization coming from a pulpit of misknowledge.

(When someone says things about a broad group of people and those things are not true)

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Hyperbole is lost on some people.

When someone takes something you say and try to portray it very literally.

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How to deal with insults

Don’t let other people get to you

Never get discouraged, never be petty; always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself - Robert Greene, The laws of human nature

How to Respond to an Insult

Sometimes, we are stunned into silence by an insult - only to think of the perfect witty comeback two hours too late.

There’s a physiological reason why. When someone says something offensive or harmful that hurts us or hurts a member of a community that’s really important to us, our nervous system can get activated. The parts of the brain that are responsible for coming up with clever or witty things to say are just not online - they’re nervous and sensing a threat.

That’s why planning ahead is essential. There’s something really life-affirming about having something to say ready to go in your back pocket. Pulling off a sharp response can boost your confidence and “be such a source of pride.”

We asked therapists to share their favorite comebacks that either invite additional dialogue or shut down the conversation.

Hey, flag on the play

When you are taken aback or confused by the words that just rolled out of someone’s mouth, use a sports term: Hey, flag on the play. By flagging what someone just said, you can make it clear that their words were out of bounds or require further clarification.

It’s lighthearted, but sends a signal that the comment or interaction crossed a boundary.

Thanks, but I’m not accepting unsolicited feedback

People are surprised to hear someone push back. It reminds them that even though they might be well-intentioned, it’s still unsolicited. It stops it in its tracks. Plus, the response isn’t disrespectful - so you can keep the peace while sticking up for yourself.

Are you okay?

These three simple words pack a punch. There’s so much packed in this short comeback. Imagine that a colleague just made a sexist remark. If you ask them if they’re okay, they might look at you strangely and reply in the affirmative. Then, you can follow-up with a quick observation: “Just checking, because that was completely inappropriate.”

Asking someone if they’re okay immediately lets them know that the spotlight is on them, rather than on whomever or whatever they were talking about; plus, it signals that what they said was problematic and opens the door to self-reflection.

Could you repeat that? I don’t think I heard you correctly

This line is particularly effective when you’re in a group of people, or when someone mumbles something under their breath. A lot of times when people say something rude, it’s really impulsive, and they’re not thinking about whether it’s the wisest thing they can say in that situation. By asking them to repeat themself - even if you had no trouble hearing them - you’re extending an opportunity to rethink and rephrase what they said. Often, they’ll realize there are a bunch of people around, and they don’t want to say it louder, because the shame is going to kick in. It deescalates the situation.

What a wild thing to say out loud

This comeback is useful when someone says something prejudiced or outright bigoted. Just smile and brightly respond: “Wow, what a wild thing to say out loud.”

They don’t see it coming, and by throwing them off their rhythm or startling them, they’re able to question something they previously hadn’t questioned. People often realize they need to examine their bias and reflect on why something they thought was acceptable to say didn’t go over well.

What was your intention with that comment?

This comeback is both effective and therapeutic. Use it with people who are trying to insult someone else: critical or judgmental family members, toxic coworkers, frenemies. It makes them say the quiet part out loud. At best, someone might pause and reflect on their statement. Or they could deny any ill-intent—in which case they’ll still learn that they can’t get away with such behavior, because you’ll call them out on it. Either way, it will curb passive-aggressive or demeaning comments. Deliver the line in a calm voice with a curious tone, while making direct eye contact that signals your confidence.

I know you’re likely threatened by an educated woman, but…

In my experience, it shuts down the conversation. It can be a gentle but assertive reminder for them to be respectful, or, when it’s said with a stronger tone, it can put the person in their place.

I wonder why you feel comfortable saying that to me

If somebody makes an inappropriate comment about a group of people—maybe it’s racist, homophobic, or misogynistic—use this line to call them out on it. It makes it clear that you’re not engaging in the conversation in the way they expected you to. It’s effective because it’s direct, respectful, and factual. You probably do feel genuine curiosity about why your conversation partner made such an ignorant statement; here’s an opportunity to dig into the why and encourage self-reflection and critical thinking. Aim to speak in a calm, curious tone of voice.

You should come with a warning label!

To handle unwanted conversations, sometimes, opt for a lighthearted response: “You should come with a warning label!” It makes people laugh - diffusing a potentially tense situation while letting them know they’re crossing into inappropriate territory. Most people successfully get the message that they should change their tone.

I don’t get it. Can you explain the joke?

If you hear an inappropriate joke, ask the person to explain what’s so funny. It is a terrific way to hold them accountable for their behavior. They might think twice next time. Deliver your question with genuine interest while trying to maintain compassion. The goal isn’t to humiliate the other person or appear holier than thou. It is to create curiosity about the purpose of their comment.

When all else fails: let silence speak louder than words

Sometimes, there’s simply no reason to dignify a difficult person with a response. That’s especially true if you’ve already tried other comebacks that failed. Go straight to silence. Look at the other person, and maybe raise an eyebrow, but don’t speak. Without even having to say anything, it communicates to them that you’re not going to engage. If you feed into it in any way, it will fuel the fire. But for the most part, if you don’t add to that drama, it will fizzle out.

References

1. https://time.com/6837151/therapists-respond-insults/